Stop Processing, in the Name of Love!

Here’s why relationship processing is a dead end and a waste of time. And, yes, there’s something better that works.

American couples have a cultural bias for a behavior that I don’t love: relationship processing. The very idea makes me wince in my coach’s chair. Such talk-talk-talking is a hangover from an earlier and more naive couples therapy circa 1990 that unfortunately persists, and harms instead of heals. 

The assumption is that you have to “work” at a relationship, the labor of which is “processing.” It’s supposed to solve conflict and lead to better connections. But I often see it lead instead to a black hole of confusion where nothing much gets resolved but lots of feelings get hurt, sometimes irreparably. Here are some reasons why it doesn’t work:

1. Too meta: You talk about “the relationship” as if it’s a third party with its own separate interests instead of a natural co-creation of the two imperfect people inside it.
2. Defensiveness: It can force each person to take an opposing position that results in a binary of right or wrong. Neither person wants to be wrong, so a stalemate is inevitable.
3. Still a fight: “Processing” might actually be a socially acceptable word for “fight,” only in lowered, extremely rational voices. (But it’s still a fight.)Create self-designed relationships with Sho-Sho Smith, Sex+Relationship coach.
4. Takes forever: It’s not fun and somehow spills over into multiple hours, which entrenches both of you in defensive positions. Often at least one party is reluctant to do it and gets too fatigued to argue. But that isn’t a real victory.
5. Leads nowhere: In the end, the same issues are still on the table and, despite the hours of talking, there isn’t really a resolution. Sometimes you even have to bring in a mediator to process in front of like a therapist or a coach like me.

The conclusion? Processing is all about talking, a left-brain activity of reason and strategy that originates in the head. It’s great for the courtroom, but the head can’t very easily solve the problems, wounds and hurts of the heart. The key is to get out of the head, which is near impossible if you’re in processing mode. What’s the alternative to processing when conflicts and disagreements arise? Which they will, all the time, in every relationship, however wonderful.

So what’s next?

Getting out of defensive talking/processing mode and into deep listening mode is the missing skillset for many couples. The magic happens when one is able to listen with an open heart while the other speaks with an open heart, and then you switch. It’s a very tender and vulnerable space to occupy, so emotional safety must be there. Once in your heart space, defenses naturally drop, compassion blossoms and repair can happen naturally. 

Easier said than done, right? Please don’t blame yourself if you don’t know how to do this. Repair is a slow and deep experience that no one teaches and we never get to learn. But now that you know that this path exists, there’s hope for the future of relationships.

Luckily couples therapy has evolved since 1990. Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO), the couples branch of Internal Family System (IFS) is what I practice because it’s the best and fastest approach I’ve ever seen to get couples out of their heads and into their hearts. So never fear. The tools are out there should you ever want to use them.