Just start with “And what about you?”
A single woman client recently asked me why men talk a lot about themselves on dates without asking questions in return. That turns her off and doesn’t lead to other dates, much less the sexy connection she hopes for.
Hmm. There seems to be an easy win here for men.
How can men guarantee themselves a good date? Ask questions instead of give answers. All you have to say is, And what about you?
Here’s the puzzle though. Most men can figure this out for themselves. You don’t need to hire me as your sex and relationship coach to tell you that. Yet you sometimes still mansplain yourselves in the foot instead of asking real questions. Why?
Why Men SHOULD Ask Questions
In human nature, questions work better than answers. Questions invite complexity. Questions are a shared experience of idea exchange where each of you shows off your great character, humor and intelligence. By tossing the conversational ball back and forth, you demonstrate listening, manners and social skills. That contributes to good energy which in turn makes for a guaranteed feel-good date.
Note: Guaranteed good date doesn’t mean guaranteed sex, in case you unconsciously translated it that way. It means connected, engaged conversation and energy, which is what flirting actually is. If you can have good connected dates, sex will likely be on the table.
Men who don’t ask questions leave his date with only one conclusion. That he doesn’t want complexity, a shared experience, connection, discussion, energy or by extension sex.
He probably does want these things, but that little voice of patriarchal programming works against him. What does the little voice say?
Why men DON’T Ask Questions
It’s a man’s role to provide answers, not ask questions, is how the thinking goes. Yet answers, on the contrary, can kill connections and end discussions. Even good answers can bite the head off a conversation and lead to a dead end fast.
I was once on a date with a man who only answered but never asked questions. As an experiment, I didn’t follow up with another question. We sat there for 2–3 minutes in total weird silence until my gaze drifted off behind him to the hot soccer players in the park. He finally turned around and said, “Wha-? Oh.” That was the closest he got to asking something.
So why default to answers? In mainstream masculinity, not knowing something is seen as a form of humiliation and defeat. The old programming whispers that you must have all the answers because only answers signal power.
Patriarchy kills your dating
To ask a question, men must first admit they don’t know something. Then after asking the question, they must listen to the answer. Her answer. Patriarchal reasoning goes, if she has the answer, she has the power. To let her have the power is unacceptable, even in something as minor as a casual conversation.
If men are supposed to supply the answers, who must supply the questions? Women, of course, even if she doesn’t want to. In the old world that’s crumbling behind us, questions are seen as weak and feminine. Men rarely ask questions out of fear it’ll betray their ignorance of a subject. Ignorance threatens an entire male identity that’s based on being right.
It just feels too vulnerable and risky. Better to say nothing as the strong silent type or overtalk as a mansplainer.
However both strategies cut off human connection — and the possibility of sexual connection.
Maybe questions are a future human concept to some men. As future humans, you may find that questions are the real power, not answers. Experiment with friends, families, coworkers too, not just dates. Questions really change how someone sees you.
Men can choose to be future humans, instead of robots programmed by mainstream masculinity.
Women would LOVE that. Women would fuck that.
How to Ask Questions
Here’s a breakdown:
1. Simple facts begin with who, what, where, when
Yes/no/fact questions are a good start. These address the simpler who, what, where, when portion of the middle school model of the 5 W’s and H that’s basic to information gathering. But if you stay in this vein, it starts feeling like a job interview, solid but boring.
a. Who do you live with?
b. What’s your favorite kind of pet?
c. Where did you go to college?
d. When did you graduate?
2. Level up using open-ended questions with Why and How
These juicy, meaty question starters invite more nuanced discussion. They often begin with Why and How and are unrehearsed, arising out of her last statement. I love these because you don’t need to go looking for them. Rather, good questions ask themselves when your natural curiosity gets piqued.
Curiosity happens when you get out of your head and start really listening. It’s the opposite of performance dating. It’s hard for many men to do that, get out of their heads, but it truly is the key to connection.
One way to think about it is to listen with your whole body, not your ears. You’ll find yourself paying attention to the energy around you. You naturally ask good questions when you’re listening, without even trying. That’s the feeling of a connected conversation, a.k.a. flirting. No overt sexual innuendos are necessary when that energy is present.
a. Why did you become a wilderness survival leader / start a women of color hiking group / switch from traditional monogamy to ethical non-monogamy?
b. Why do you think prepping for the apocalypse is an impossible task?
c. How do you cook your version of the perfect fried chicken?
d. How is your knee healing from surgery after snowboarding?
3. Edgy hypotheticals: Do, Does, would/could
When you ask hypothetical questions, you express the wide range of your intelligence and imagination. If they spark interest, follow with more why and how questions so you’re not stuck with one-word responses.
a. Do you think the United States will eventually split into red and blue states? How?
b. Do you get the feeling our generation won’t make it to old age? Why?
c. Would you pick the red pill or the blue pill? Why?
d. Could you ever see yourself living off-grid? How?
4. If all else fails, finish your statements with What about you?
Try this in a pinch if you’re in your head and conversation isn’t smooth. Just attach “What about you?” to the end of everything you say. Warning: It’s repetitive if used more than three times in a row.
a. I daydream about living on the beach in Bali, but love the city so much that I can’t leave it for long. I can’t decide where I want to settle down. What about you?
b. I come from a family of alcoholics so I’ve sworn off drinking. I like psychedelics though. What about you?
c. I prefer Yeti over Hydro Flask in my choice of water bottle. How about you?
Discourse before intercourse is the natural progression of a date. Questions are a sure-fire way for men to have rich, satisfying dates where connection is a must-have and sex is a nice-to-have.
I hope you keep the conversation going and energy flowing. And say goodbye to the bad old days where the men mansplain and women complain. And good riddance.
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