Have Ugly Sex

Great sex is hot, raw and ugly.

We commonly think of a sexual experience as an ideal one — endless time, perfect planning and conditions, perfect bodies, perfect romance, perfect performance — all the things missing in real life. Forget about it.

For the sake of your sanity, change your sex paradigm to this new mindset:

1. Experiment with having sex from whatever non-ideal state you’re in. Grief sex, frustrated sex, agitated sex, unshowered sex, weepy sex, stress sex, anxiety sex, and ugly fat sex are some of my favorites. Caveat: do it for you first, partner second. And act not from a dissociated or disconnected place, but with full self-awareness. Say something like, “I’m overwhelmed with grief right now and want to process it sexually with you. Can you hold me naked and go at my pace?” Or “I’m agitated and would love an orgasm with you. Can you help me calm my nerves and I’ll do you next time?”
2. Call it your “erotic life.“ If sex to you means “penis-in-vagina intercourse” that’s pretty limiting. So don’t have “sex,” have an erotic life and redefine that within yourself and your partnership. You can even take intercourse off the table completely in your erotic life and sub in other play. Here’s an idea list: solo play with raunchy fantasies, clothes on masturbation with your partner, oral or hands only, spanking only, teasing only, eye-gazing, laying naked and crying together or laying naked with dirty talking only. It’s all very erotic and turned on. You can also negotiate taking turns getting needs met where your partner serves you entirely in one session, no questions asked, and you serve your partner the next.
3. Don’t be you! If it’s too hard to be you, you can role-play other characters in a creative scene. You can be a robot with your partner controlling your actions. You can be a queen using her servant or a professor and student. There are infinite roles. Remember sex is for pleasure and fun, and role play adds a thrilling psychological dimension. You can use blindfolds and props to deepen the imaginative space or none at all, just your dirty voice. Since role-play often includes power play, make sure you negotiate your needs and boundaries and have a safe word.
4. Let your darker side emerge It’s vulnerable, but your erotic life has lots of room for your vulnerability. Let sex express your anger, pain, frustration, grief for the world. Let your orgasms release your tears. When your partner can hold you in your dark side, it’s thoroughly connecting. Sexuality is therapeutic that way, letting you discharge difficult emotion safely in bed instead of unleashing it on yourself, your people or on the world.

So forget perfect, beautiful sex. Play differently. Go ahead and have ugly, beautiful sex instead.

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